Wanderlust.

It's me. Been a long time i guess.

Have concepts to write but i'm feeling restless, figured i'll blow off some steam here. I'm actually staring at the screen all poised and ready to type but nothing comes to mind. Hell. What the fuck am i doing here when i have a deadline due in the morning?

Sometimes i wished i was a more determined person, or that i don't get fascinated by ideas and things and people so easily. In general i do well in life. I'm sociable, i get along well with people, i'm pretty smart, i've always done well in school despite not working as hard as my peers, when it comes to work i do things just fine, and i can survive doing any type of job and i adapt well to different situations. But why do i always feel so aimless, always wanting something more, but not knowing what is it?

I get fascinated with so many ideas, but i usually learn just enough to understand before boredom sets in and i move my sights on something else. Behavioural analysis, the illuminati, religion of geometry, astronomy, banksy, alfred hitchcock, trance and electronic music, books, authors, singers, tarot cards, ketna patel, the gates of baltazhar, traveling, shakespeare, oscar wilde, foreign languages, antiques, the list goes on.

It goes the same way with work. One moment i aspire to become a novel writer, the next i'm decorating film sets, then i did casting for a bit, then it's back to writing concepts and scripts, a bit of producing and coordinating here and there, then i wanted to open my own book store/cafe, and then i thought about selling antiques or become a blog owner, and i tried a bit of events, a bit of magazine writing, tried talent managing, thought about becoming a journalist, changed my mind, wondered about working as a corp comms executive, then decide i'd like to become an artist, or take up visual comm and end up decorating window displays and maybe, just maybe, i'd just save up money and open my own stationery shop and make my own pretty brown notebooks.

Why can't i just settle down with one thing, and put all my focus on doing the best i can at it? But no, my wandering heart just picks up a bag, throws it over the shoulder and go traipsing off again, damn it.

And so, here i am. Turning 23 in less than two weeks time and where am i in life? Who am i? What have i achieved? Did i make a difference? Did i live my life to the fullest? Have i lived a life devoid of regrets? Am i happy?

I don't know. And it seriously peeves me off not knowing. I should know by now, shouldn't i? I can't just wander through things and people forever, i need to settle down somewhere, someday, isn't that how things are supposed to be?

It freaks the shit out of me, thinking about settling down. Living my life with the same person for years, doing the same job over and over again, hanging out with the same people and talking about the same old topics. Having kids, and its a forever thing as well. I can't just up and go if i hate my kids right? Then what should i do, god forbid, if i don't like my children? What am i going to do with them? I shudder to think of that.

So here i am, OH WAIT I JUST HAD A DEJAVU MOMENT I THINK I DID A SIMILAR BLOG POST BEFORE.

Sometimes, i think i'm like a rodent in a cage. Digging in the corner for a moment, up running a wheel at the next, nibbling some nuts after. Always doing something different, always trying to run and escape, but always trapped in that same single space.

Happy birthday to me.

♥ Clarisse ♥