Many thoughts.

Seems like people are taking a humongous interest in this damn blog. Average reading time ranges from 20 to 45 minutes what the hell!? And guess what entries everyone's reading? Sigh. Fuck relationships.

As predicted by Monica, the first half of the year was indeed SHIT. Everything she warned me about relationships came true. I'm still quite shocked how she could tell me everything with such details and clarity, and they all CAME TRUE. The skeptic in me has its mouth firmly shut now.

And if what she foretold does come true, the later half of my year should be more fruitful and positive, and i hope, happier. Happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts now. Rainbows and butterflies and abundance of sweets, chocolates and money. But it does seems like things are looking up.

Work is coming in, slowly. And i hope more will come. I will work muthufarking hard for my future. I just need OPENINGS. I've more or less worked out my issues, the rest of the problems will be solved naturally as time passes.

Since everyone's so interested in my relationship experiences, shall i do some indulging? Let's just say that i've reached a point where i could see where my mistakes lay in when it comes to relationship. And so, for the next person who comes along, i will not jump into anything impulsively with no thought to the consequences. I will not be stubborn. I will not hold on to the stupid notion that loving someone with all my heart will touch the person's heart and make him love me and cherish me well. I will not go for someone my friends disapprove because they really do know me better than i do myself and they are always damn right at the end of the day. So irksome. If they read this they'll be all smug and "i told you so".

I used to think i have a certain 'type' going on for me when it comes to men. But a conversation with a friend kind of gave me an epiphany. I've always gone for people... ok no. Let's just put it this way, i've never dated anyone decently normal. Like a good, decent, nice guy. I seem to have a thing against nice guys.

And this friend, told me that having not dated good men does not mean that the complicated ones were my type. Which, is true. And it got me thinking. I hate to admit it, but part of my aversion to nice guys is the result of my past. I don't know. I have this feeling that i'll hurt them? And i hate regrets. I hate feeling guilt. I hate making people unhappy. I'd be like their nightmare. Their worst girlfriend. The most complicated person who brings in all these complications to their nice happy lives. I'm afraid i'll destroy them with my complications like how my past relationships have all but taught me nothing but ugliness of a relationship.

They'll be good for me, but i seriously don't think i'm good for them.

So every time at the sight of a good guy, i run.

But with all that has happened, all the past experiences, all the new lessons learnt, i'm not so sure anymore. I would like to stop running. And give it a try. To properly learn about a person, to go on dates, to take time getting to know each other, to go SLOW. No more plunging into relationships on a whirlwind romance.

I will not foolishly give my all for a guy. This time round, he will have to earn my love. I have to believe i'm worth it.



♥ Clarisse ♥